Tu Madre Comido mi perro!

I got tagged by some vile cunt, so here’s 5 random facts about me…

1. I fucking hate onions. Soooooo fucking much. Their smell makes me nauseous. They give me fucking heartburn. The only kind of onion I can barely tolerate is grilled onions, and even then, I don’t like them, and only the carmelization they produce. I FUCKING HATE ONIONS. Yet carrie insists on adding them to EVERY FUCKING DISH SHE MAKES. It gets to the point where I have to beg her not to put them in. Fuck her.

2. I got caught smoking weed in high school, and had to go to 9 months of outpatient rehab. I think I went one, maybe two sessions sober. We convinced the counselor to take us to a laser show for one of our outings, and me and the guy I got busted with dropped some acid right before we left. I thought the counselor was cool, cause he actually did some time, and wasn’t a pussy, like many counselors are. I thought he was cool cause he didn’t take any bullshit. You can see all the good rehab did for me.

3. I dated a girl who was in all the slow classes. Not quite special ed, but definitely sub par. She was an unclefucker. And her house fucking stunk. I used to make up reasons why I couldn’t come in.

4. I stole from the food bank when they made me volunteer there. They had candy bars and soda and shit. Shut up.

5. The only person I ever met from the internet was a guy who was a rapper, and he was really into weed. Like, he had a weed problem. I met him in a WEED chatroom (I never denied being a n3rd). He was bragging about his rapping skills, and I called bullshit on him, and said if you’re so good, post your lyrics. He didn’t want to, fearing someone might rip him off. Remember, i met him in a WEED chatroom. He wanted to call me, so i could hear him rap. This was before many people had mics, still in the 90′s. I said if you think it’s necessary we talk on the phone, ill let you page me. So i did. and he rapped. and he sucked. But that was to be expected, he was white

he paged me a shitload after that, wanting to hang out. i guess, at some point, i told him where i worked. When someone lays an offer of a couple blunts on the table, how the fuck are you supposed to pass it up? So I say to heck with it, and decide to go meet him. he’s worried about the smell, so we can only go smoke in the bathroom. with the door closed. sounds fine. afterwards, we get to talking.

he decides that now is a good time to start sharing. sharing things like the guy he’s living with is his boyfriend. and that he’s been cheating on his boyfriend. with multiple people. including 50 year old truck drivers. fucking ewwwwwwwwww. I might have been 20 or 21 at the time, and he wasnt even 18 yet. judging by photos on the wall, whoever was paying the rent was in his 30′s. Just another chicken hawk.

He also decides to let me know, subtly, that he’s into guys that, strangely, resemble… me. You can probably expect that the next trip to the bathroom didn’t seem as appealing. he never came out and directly hit on me. I left as soon as I finished the second blunt, which seemed as good a time as any. It turns out, him and his boyfriend had visited my place of business before i ever hung out with him, but didnt say a word to me. That’s creepy shit.

He continued to call me, asking me to hang out with him, and tried to guilt me for dodging his calls, by saying all he wanted to do was kick it. So, when I decided to give in, I made up an insurance policy. I brought carrie with me. Sure enough, it worked. He was extremely put off by carrie being there, which shouldnt have been an issue, since he just wanted to kick it fuck man, weed is weed. remember, WEED chatroom, WEED chatroom. All it took was 2 times of bringing carrie with me to get him to stop calling. We saw him once after that, in a record store, and i swear, he gave us the dirtiest fucking look imaginable.

so now I’m gonna tag deb, bee, xor, bear and God.

my bitch got this from one of her little bloggy pals I guess I’ll do it too, because I never post my own shit anyway.

comment on this post, and….

1. I’ll respond with a random thought I have about you.
2. I’ll tell you what song/movie reminds me of you.
3. I’ll pick a flavor of jello to wrestle with you in.
4. I’ll say something that only makes sense to you and me (or so we think).
5. I’ll tell you my first memory of you.
6. I’ll tell you what intoxicant celebrity who died with controversy you remind me of.
7. I’ll ask you something that I’ve always wondered about you.
8. If I do this for you, you must post this on your journal.

1. If you were a celebrity, what kind would it be (movies, tv, literature, crime, etc)?

Either a Hollywood Caliber actor, or the lead singer in the first br00taL Death Metal band to achieve pop status.

2. Which other celebrities would you make a concerted effort to try and be around?

The ones who know where to score the best dope. And the ones that drive best when drunk. People like Steve-0 and Roofus.

3. Which other celebrities would you avoid like the plague?

Boy Bands, Ben Assfleck, Ashlee Simpson, Richard Simmons, Slipknot

4. Which celebrities would you date?

Paula Deen, Bill Gates, The Olsen Twins (before they were famous)

5. What would be your “Celebrity Cause�?

Reducing the legal drinking age and age of consent by 5 years each.

6. Since celebs always get off, what crime(’s) would you commit?

Sell Crack. To blind kids.

7. What would be the name of your tell-all book?

“Jesus Fucking Christ”

8. Tag 3 people to do this poll.

The Kraken
Uncle Jay Razz
Bear

9. Link to the post that tagged you.

blogfart

If you need to catch up, go here.

35. I got Dave’s Insanity Sauce in my eye once. Ever been pepper sprayed? It’s the same fucking thing.

36. I can’t roll a joint by hand; I have to use a roller.

37. I can’t roll blunts either.

38. I fought in the Battle of Seattle (WTO ’99). Those fuckers gassed us without warning. The Insanity Sauce was worse. I refrained from breaking any windows.

39. It took a month after my 21st birthday for me to get sick. I pretty much drank to the point of oblivion every night that entire month. On that fateful evening, I had a mobile Long Island Iced Tea factory in my backpack. I followed those with some cheap ass beer, which I in turn followed with Bacardi Limon and Coke. Big Fucking Mistake.

40. I got hit by a car on Valentine’s Day. Broke my shoulder and my thumb. And they gave me a jaywalking ticket.

41. I slipped on a steep ass hill (between 1st and 2nd on Madison. Downtown Seattle has some shitty hills) and broke my arm on September 11th, 2000. 3 guesses to which I consider a bigger tragedy on that day…

42. The newest car I’ve ever owned is currently 15 years old.

43. For the most part, I hate Japanese and European cars. They’re too small, and I cannot, CANNOT, stand the fucking modified Hondas that litter our roadways.

44. My girlfriend says I play too many games and download too much stuff. She just needs to shut the fuck up and get over it.

45. The first concert I ever saw was Helloween, Exodus and Anthrax, on the Headbanger’s Ball tour, back in like ’88. I was 10, and my mom made my brother take me. He took me to our seats and then bailed. I saw some puke in the hallway. Anthrax Rokked!!!

46. The second concert I saw was Little Richard.

47. My third concert was Metallica. I left at the first encore, before I knew about encores. I could hear ‘em playing ‘One’ while I was waiting outside, cause the bastards wouldn’t let me back in.

48. Since then, I’ve managed to see: Motley Crue, Megadeth, Iron Maiden, Guns ‘n Roses, Slayer, Fear Factory and a whole bunch of others. Never been to an Ozz Fest or Lollapalooza though.

49. I saw Transformers: The Movie in the theatre.

50. I’ve seen it probably over a billion times on video.

51. I stay up too late too often.

52. I hate cooking.

53. I was in a movie (as an extra). Never see it. It’s called “Born to be Wild”. Think “Free Willy” with a gorilla.

54. I hate most of the people I went to school with.

55. I’ve sold drugs to teachers. A teacher at least.

56. I’ve only seen Episode III 3 times so far.

57. When I delivered pizza, I was calling carrie on my cellphone. I paid a little too much attention to the phone, and ended up driving through a traffic circle, and plowed down a sign. I went back later that night and took the sign home.

58. Me and a few friends took some acid on Halloween night and stole Britt’s pumpkin. He was rather upset, but we thought it was so funny that we sat in the car in front of his house and laughed for like 5 minutes straight. We then decided we were going to bring him a better one. we took someone elses pumpkin, and threw it in his yard later that evening.

59. Taking his pumpkin became a tradition for like the next 7 years.

60. I am 110% positive that my driving is better than everyone else on the road. I can’t stand how others drive.

61. I found out the hard way the psilocybin mushrooms and hard liquor dont mix. I took some mushrooms, and then started drinking. I forgot that what i was drinking was liquor, and shortly thereafter alternated between laughing hysterically and crying hysterically. I havent really enjoyed taking mushrooms since.

62. I was a cub scout, all the way thru Webelos.

63. I was the bus driver in the Rosa Parks school play (wearing my cubscout uniform and a cowboy hat [we designed our own costumes, and there was a den meeting that day anyway])

64. My invisible friends name was Casper. I’m guessing he was the friendly ghost.

65. I fucking love s’mores.

66. I’ve been accused of worshipping the devil more than I’ve been complimented on my dashing looks.

67. I have a terrible addiction to pudding rings.

68. For the most part, I have an addictive personality.

Stolen from Carrie, who stole it from Alli

Check them if they apply… if they’re blank, you’re guilty…

(x) I’ve Never Crashed A Friend’s Car

(x) I’ve Never Been To Japan

( ) I’ve Never Been In A Taxi

( ) I’ve Never Been In Love

(x) I’ve Never Had Sex In Public

( ) I’ve Never Been Dumped

( ) I’ve Never Done Cocaine

( ) I’ve Never Shoplifted

(x) I’ve Never Been Fired

( ) I’ve Never Been In A Fist Fight

(x) I’ve Never Had Group Intercourse

( ) I’ve Never Snuck Out Of My Parent’s House

(x) I’ve Never Been Tied Up

( ) I’ve Never Regretted Having Sex With Someone

(x) I’ve Never Made Out With A Stranger

( ) I’ve Never Stolen Something From My Job

(x) I’ve Never Celebrated New Years In Time Square

(x) I’ve Never Gone On A Blind Date

( ) I’ve Never Lied To A Friend

(x) I’ve Never Had A Crush On A Teacher

(x) I’ve Never Celebrated Mardi-Gras In New Orleans

(x) I’ve Never Been To Europe

( ) I’ve Never Kissed A Member Of The Opposite Sex

(x) I’ve Never Kissed A Member Of The Same Sex

( ) I’ve Never Skipped School

( ) I’ve Never Slept With A Co-Worker

( ) I’ve Never Cut Myself On Purpose

(x) I’ve Never Had Sex At The Office

(x) I’ve Never Been Married

(x) I’ve Never Been Divorced

(x) I’ve Never Had Sex With More Than One Person Within The Same Week

(x) I’ve Never Posed Nude (its not posing if you’re having sex, is it?)

(x) I’ve Never Gotten Someone Drunk Just To Have Sex With Them

(x) I’ve Never Killed Anyone (…yet)

(x) I’ve Never Received Scars From My Sex Partner

( ) I’ve Never Been Drunk

( ) I’ve Never Smoked Pot

(x) I’ve Never Thrown Up In A Bar (do bushes outside the bar count?)

(x) I’ve Never Taken Ecstasy

( ) I’ve Never Purposely Set A Part Of Myself On Fire

( ) I’ve Never Eaten Sushi

(x) I’ve Never Been Snowboarding

( ) I’ve Never Had Sex At A Friend’s House While They Were Throwing A Party

( ) I’ve Never Had Sex While A Friend Was In The Room

(x) I’ve Never Had Sex In A Dressing Room

(x) I’ve Never Flashed Anyone

( ) I’ve Never Met Anyone From Online

Since I’m now officially a hot blogger, I guess I have to give you all a little insight into who I really am.

Episode IV – A Newer Hope

1. I’ve lived in Seattle for about 26 of about 27 years of my life. 1 year was spent in the burbs north of Seattle.

2. The music I enjoy would probably cause involuntary bowel movements in the general public.

3. I’ve never owned a car built later than 1990.

4. I’ve never smoked crack.

5. I’ve been hit by a car while crossing the street twice.

6. Tuna Casserole is my absolute favorite dish.

7. I (really) take my time finishing school.

8. I don’t understand the concept of worshipping gods.

9. I don’t doubt the existence of gods.

10. In regards to #2, seriously. Just the names of the songs scare most decent folk. Check out my audioscrobbler some time.

11. I get nervous when I see cops behind me.

12. I saw Episode I in the theaters 5 times.

14. I saw Episode II in the theaters 7 times.

15. When I saw Episode V in the theater, I was like 3 years old, and the Wampa scared the fucking shit out of me.

16. I saw Tom Skeritt in a theater on Friday the 13th. I was going to see the premiere of Dracula. I don’t know what he was watching.

17. The next day, I got stoned for the first time. Across the street from my friends house, with a Dad’s Root Beer pop can. You know how that goes.

18. When I drink at home, it’s damn near impossible to get a buzz. Rarely get more than one drink in.

19. When I drink in social situations, I can’t keep track of how many I’ve had.

20. I’ve never fired a gun.

21. I don’t really want to.

22. I’ve never been further east than Coeur d’Alene, ID.

23. I really like camping. Not backpacking or any primitive shit like that. But I don’t need a generator and a satellite dish either.

24. I hate politics, and people that are interested in them.

25. I love Jamba Juice. I hate smoothies for the most part, but I love Jamba Juice. They know what’s up.

26. My highs are pretty high, and my lows are very low. I think I have some sort of imbalance.

27. I hate the way everyone else drives.

28. I prefer my bong water ice cold.

29. I can’t fight the urge to smoke cigarettes when I drink.

30. I smoked for 9 years, then quit for 3. Now it’s just kind of a casual thing.

31. I graduated from school a few years late. I wasn’t really concerned with the diploma, so I put it off for a while.

32. I hate school in general. Reading books is a fucking pain in the ass for me. I can’t concentrate on just one sentence, and get lost all the time.

33. After watching Cujo when I was a kid, I had a fear of dogs for a while. Cujo is one of the only movies that ever really scared me.

34. I’m a horror movie junkie. Me and my mom used to go rent them every weekend.

Congratulations on being the creator of a new
Evil Plan ™!

Your objective is simple: Soul Accumulation.

Your motive is a little bit more complex: Hatred for all mankind

Stage One

To begin your plan, you must first expose a chosen one. This will cause the world to slaughter a sacred calf to appease the gods, horrified by your arrival. Who is this demon straight out of hell? Where did they come from? And why do they look so good in a supervillain costume with gimmicks?

Stage Two

Next, you must desecrate the Internet. This will all be done from a floating fortress, a mysterious place of unrivaled dark glory. Upon seeing this, the world will spontaneously combust, as countless hordes of the religious right hasten to do your every bidding.

Stage Three

Finally, you must let loose your arcane ritual, bringing about a 1984 police state. Your name shall become synonymous with slaughter, and no man will ever again dare interrupt your sentences. Everyone will bow before your mind-boggling insanity, and the world will have no choice but to lavish endless praise on your misdeeds.

Well, now it’s an official one; The Kraken has tagged me to do a little ditty about movies. Here goes.

What’s the total number of movies in you collection?
At least 90 DVDs, between Carrie and I (some aren’t specifically anyone’s). I don’t even know where the VHS tapes are. I also didn’t count the DVDs that weren’t actual movies (televison collections, cky, Steve-O, bumfights, etc.) or any ‘back-ups’.

What’s the last movie you bought?
Half Baked: Fully Baked Edition (which leads me to this rant). I really hate how they release special editions of stuff. I now have a Resevoir Dogs, Half Baked, Fellowship and 2 Towers that I have no use for. They made a better version of Holy Grail right after I got mine. They made a much more expensive version of Time Bandits (fvck you Criterion!). The ‘rare, out of print’ Robocop has like 5 seconds of additional footage than the regular one (fvck you again Criterion!). The 2 disc Fear and Loathing (fvck you thrice Criterion!). The list goes on…

What’s the last movie you watched before reading this message?
Napoleon Dynamite

Name 5 movies that you watch often, or that mean something to you
1. Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer – I love movies where a lot of people die. Violently. Low budget, I don’t know where it was released theatrically, L.A. I think. Stars Michael Rooker (the bald guy from Mallrats). I cheer for Henry every time, and it never gets old. Somewhat based on Henry Lee Lucas.

2. Dead Alive – Here’s a wonderful story! I got Dead Alive on VHS for Carrie years back, but it was never opened. One night, us and a friend made a pact that when it was opened, someone had to puke. Years passed, and it was never opened. We were at Hollywood video one night, and the had the DVD on sale for like 16 bucks. We bought it, and then let someone borrow the VHS tape. The pact had been passed on to the DVD. On Halloween this year, I knew what had to be done. Carrie was too much of a wuss to do it, and the other guy (we’ll call him Blizzy) got scared and left when he found out what was about to go down.

I Lara Flynn Boyle’d it, and we opened that damn DVD. I think I fell asleep watching it.

Oh yeah, Dead Alive/Braindead is one of Peter Jackson’s first movies. And By far his best.

3. Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom – This movie just kicks ass, straight up. My Mom took me to see this, Gremlins and The Neverending Story all in the same week.

4. Flash Gordon – I don’t know if I saw any movie more than this one when I was a kid. And the soundtrack fvcking rocked! It still does.

5. Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory – I’m sure this has to be one of everyone’s favorite movies. I think it’s one of the greatest movies ever made actually. Gene Wilder’s greatest role (and I’m scared to see what Johnny Depp is going to do with it).

The first 5 best movies quote that come into your head?
1. “I want to kill somebody.”

“Say that again.”

“I said I want to kill somebody.”

“Let’s me and you go for a ride, Otis.”

–Henry and Otis – [Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer] This dialogue was sampled by Nailbomb. It further exemplifies Henry’s lust for bloodshed.

2. “Shit man, I guess I’m just a natural born killer.”

–Mickey Knox – [Natural Born Killers] It’s weird; I can totally pick up on the riot vibe this statement makes.

3. “If I had a dick, this is where I’d tell you to suck it.”

–Delores Bickerman (Betty White) – [Lake Placid] Watching Betty White say this line is reason enough to watch this movie.

4. “Your dog made sport of my blood, you pig. I’m gonna kill your kids for that. You come out here and stick you life in my face. Stick your fingers in my pie! That was a bad mistake. I thought you were smart and tough. You’re stupid. You’re nothin’. I’m gonna watch your god damn car rust out, yes I will! I’ll see the wind blow your dried up seeds away. I’ll eat the heart of your stinkin’ memory. I’ll eat the brains of your kids’ kids! I’m in, you’re out!”

–Papa Jupiter – [The Hills Have Eyes] Papa Jupiter is fvcking scary.

5. “This is what happens, Larry, when you fvck a stranger in the ass!”

–Walter Sobchak – [The Big Lebowski] One of the best parts of one of the best films.

What are you 3 top favorite movies from the 80′s?
1. Transformers: The Movie
2. Space Hunter: Adventures in the Forbidden Zone
3. The Toy

What’s the first movie you bought?
As in went out and purchased by myself? I really have no clue. I’m thinking it might be Temple of Doom.

What’s the first DVD you bought?
I joined Columbia House DVD right after I got my player, so I got a bunch at once, including:

The Matrix, Kids, Scarface, The Wall, 7, Fight Club, Holy Grail and The Exorcist. I think those were it.

I made no mention of Episodes IV-VI, because they go without saying.

I guess I’m passing this on to: Carrie, Eth, and Ol’ Gangbang (if he’s even still alive). I’m pretty sure no one else even looks at this piece of shit blog.

I stole this from someone, who in turn got it elsewhere, so I guess it makes it all chain-lettery or something. I’m doing the (what I believe to be) full version of it. So what if I’m doing it wrong?

What’s the total amount of music files on your computer?
Just broke 10k this week.

What’s the last CD you bought?
“Humanure” by Cattle Decapitation and “Lovesick, Broke and Driftin’ ” by Hank Williams III. (I ordered them at the same time.)

What’s the last song you heard before reading this message?
According to Winamp, “Ice Ice Baby” by Vanilla Ice.

The first 5 best lyrics that come inside my head:

1. “I’m waiting for the day the whole world fvcking dies!” – Tom Araya / Slayer – Disciple / God Hates us All

2. “Life ain’t nothin’ but bitches and money.” – Ice Cube / N.W.A. – Gangsta, Gangsta / Straight Outta Compton

3. “I shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die.” – Johnny Cash – Folsom Prison Blues

4. “It’s a dead world, and it’s about time to clear things here. One generation follows another, but something in my head says ‘Keep going; don’t give up’.” – Atari Teenage Riot – Destroy 2000 Years of Culture / Burn, Berlin, Burn!

5. “You thought it was over; it’s not over. I came back, I brought my Axe.” – Chris Barnes / Cannibal Corpse – The Pick-Axe Murders / The Bleeding